THE Joke Thread!

[sam o nela]

Lets try to keep all of the jokes in a central location huh? We've done it before and I know that we can do it again...

Not singling anybody out here, just trying to keep the Lounge a little more tidy (if thats possible )

If people want to read them...then this is the place!

Same will go for Chain Emails...

[blkonblkcpe]

Originally Posted by sam o nela

Lets try to keep all of the jokes in a central location huh? We've done it before and I know that we can do it again...

Not singling anybody out here, just trying to keep the Lounge a little more tidy (if thats possible )

If people want to read them...then this is the place!

Same will go for Chain Emails...

THIS THREAD IS A JOKE!

Unless it stays bumped it will never work!

[sam o nela]

Oh?

10 Char

[Alperovich]

i knew john wasn't gonna like this thread, haha!! but hey bumping it will help his post count?

[sam o nela]

fuck bumping...I stickied this bitch...and I'll just move e-chains INTO the other thread

[dumplin101]

how about a joke to break it in

A man heard a knock on his front door and went to see who it was. He opened the door but no one was around and when he looked down, he saw a snail. So the man snatched the snail by its shell and flung him across the street on the lawn. Two years later, there was a knock on the door. He open the door and the snail said, "What the f*uck was that for!?"

[l4zy415]

^ Now that's funny.

[cfprezskid]

A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

"I can also make it wink, " says the woman.

The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

The Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, The Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[cfprezskid]

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.

Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

[cfprezskid]

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

[redac93]

wow all these jokes are great !!!!!!!!!! lol !!!!!!!

[aznman007]

SO what do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

[Feuerstoss]

I waited 'till this thread went up to post this, so...

A man recieved an invitation to the grand opening of a posh new bar, situated at the top of a very nice high-rise apartment building. Overjoyed at this(and the prospect for free drinks) he gladly shows up.

The place is very well-appointed and ritzy, a guy playing the paino on a small stage, nice furnishings, and above all else the most well-stocked bar he had ever seen. He walks up to the bar, taking a seat next to a pretty drunk guy in a business suit.

"This place is great. They even have magic whiskey!" he exclaims as he thows back the shot in his hands. "Don't believe me? Watch this!" He stumbles for a nearby window, opens it, and jumps out. The man starts literally flying around the building, startling pretty much everyone in the bar. He flies back inside, and takes his seat as if nothing had happened.

The other guy immediately orders an entire bottle of what he's having. As he pours the first glass, the businessman stops him. "Gotta remember that it only works once you feel really drunk, so drink up!"

Taking this advice, the man tosses back several shots, waiting a bit until he feels the effects. Throwing the businessman a thumb's up, he stumbles for the window, opens it, and jumps.

He falls the entire way, only to land in an awning and bounce off... falling into an open dumpster.

The businessman starts laughing until the bartender looks at him. With a shake of his head, he says: "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

[cfprezskid]

^^ ahaha that is pretty funny!!

[cfprezskid]

A group of people where on a plane. The plane crashed on an island. The island was filled with cannibals. They said for all of them to get 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first person came back with 10 apples. They said to stick them up his butt without saying anything or showing emotions or he would be killed. He got in 2, then squinted and was killed. The next guy had pears. He was told the same. He got in 5 but then said "OUCH!!" and was killed. The next guy had blueberries. He got 9 of them in fine then he burst out laughing. In heaven on guy said "Why did you laugh? You could have lived!" The blueberry guy said "I saw the last guy coming back with pinapples!"

oh oh oh one more one more!

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''